Heresy Is Such a Harsh Word

Mood: vacation-starved
Drinking: room-temperature water

I’ve been having discussions lately, email discussions, with a pastor named Mike from Alabama. They’ve been friendly discussions. Honest. Surprising, even. And yeah, I’d go so far to say they’ve been refreshing. With the exception of my friend DZ (who is also a man of the cloth), I haven’t had very many refreshing discussions with reverends over the course of my life.

Mike-from-Alabama asked me an interesting question the other day, and I had so much fun answering it, I thought I’d go bother the Internet with the results.

He asked, “If Jesus was sitting across from you, what would you ask him?”

I thought I’d have a million and one instant questions zinging through my head, but it actually took me quite a while to come up with a few that I felt like sharing. (Some things are better left in my head.)

So here are my top 20 questions for Jesus (and yes, I’d actually say the F word. It’s not like he hasn’t heard it from me before)…

1. Have you disowned George Bush yet?
2. Are you ever surprised by the depth of human depravity, or did you get used to it a long time ago?
3. The American Church: Modern Pharisees? Which is to say, if you were here today, would you overturn some tables?
4. When you lived on earth, did you have a dog?
5. Which pisses you off more, people saying “JesusFuckingChrist!” or people who use your name as a cloak of self-righteousness?
6. Are you really a virgin?
7. And in a related question, what’s the real story about you and Mary Magdalene?
8. Do you ever regret the whole “free will” thing?
9. Was David a “man after God’s own heart” because he was such an honest mess?
10. Gay marriage. Pro?
11. So when are you coming back, exactly? Is it a wait-and-see-how-bad-it-gets sort of thing, or do you already have it scheduled?
12. Why do you love me?
13. Did you think we’d do better than this, or did you expect us to fuck up the world this badly?
14. Faith. Hope. Love. Shouldn’t you have said that Love was the hardest?
15. Scarier political climate: Rome, B.C. or Washington D.C.?
16. How badly have Christians misquoted you, over the centuries?
17. If you were in a band, would you be the lead singer or the bass player? (And what would you call your band?)
18. Two thousand and six years later, have we completely missed the point?
19. What does Heaven smell like?
20. When it all comes down, in the end, will you give me answers, or will you leave me forever wondering?

-Lo, who thinks Heaven smells of violets in the rain, freshly-baked bread, horse barns, and Boy’s neck.

Master & Servant

Mood: Sacriligious
Drinking: Water, glass #2

God is my djinni.
I keep him at my beck and call.

But I don’t make him work that often.
(Some days I don’t call at all.)

I keep him in a blue glass bottle
in the back corner of my mind.

He has his own dresser drawer,
toothbrush, razor and comb.

And he doesn’t disturb the
dusty important piles of
old phone numbers, def
leppard lyrics and the
sticky sweet taste of port wine.

It’s not his permanent address
(he does the omnipresent thing)

But I like to know where he is
at all hours
so we play house and pretend
that’s where he gets his mail.

It’s a comfortable arrangement.
Mutually beneficial.

I have a superhero on standby
and he knows I only knock
when I really, really mean it.

-Lo, with a pre-emptive “You think you know, but you have no idea!” snap.

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