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Mood: Absolutely positive
Drinking: One for the road

1. I believe in change that is both sudden and well-planned.
2. I believe in a quieter kind of love.
3. I believe in sour candy.
4. I believe in flipping the finger when necessary.
5. I believe in unnatural hair color.
6. I believe in things yet unseen.
7. I believe in keeping some things to yourself.
8. I believe in postcards.
9. I believe in unexpected compliments.
10. I believe in long Sunday afternoons spent reading.
11. I believe in english teachers.
12. I believe in collecting beach glass while barefoot.
13. I believe in winged things.
14. I believe in long motorcycle rides with no real destination.
15. I believe in snail mail.
16. I believe in a really good mix CD.
17. I believe in pedicures.
18. I believe in the lifelong search.
19. I believe in “Generation X”.
20. I believe in letting the dog sleep on the bed.
21. I believe in violets.
22. I believe in sometimes ignoring the time zone to call your mom.
23. I believe in second drafts. And thirds. And fourths.
24. I believe in being completely self-absorbed on your birthday.
25. I believe in wearing dresses over jeans, with big boots and bracelets.
26. I believe in Someone to watch over me.
27. I believe in sister weekend.
28. I believe in cutting off all your hair, because it’s yours, and you can. Damn the man!
29. I believe in checking your spelling.
30. I believe in daddy’s little girls.
31. I believe in the nice guy getting the girl.
32. I believe in the right amount of glitter.
33. I believe in aggressive dream hunting.

-Lo, who appreciates the birthday song and all, but who are you supposed to be looking at when they sing it to you? And is it okay to sing along and say, “happy birthday, dear me-ee!”?

The Best Cheerleader Is a Dead Cheerleader

Mood: Spooky
Drinking: Haunted water

Halloween was always a bust when I was a child. But I didn’t really know what I was missing. We lived waaaaay out in the country and never got any trick or treaters. My school discouraged dressing up (unless you came as some character from the Bible)and most neighbors either weren’t within walking distance or would sooner give us carrots than candy. So. Not big with the ghouls and goblins back before I grew boobs.

But now? Now, with the boobs and the city-living and the adult-ness? Now I am ALL ABOUT October 31. I’ve got quite a stash of costumes in my closet, but this year I had to recycle last year’s…with a twist. Last year me and the Loondog were Anarchy Cheerleaders. This year I am an Anarchy Cheerleader again, but I am dead.

My friends and fellow worker drones, K and S, are also cheerleaders, but from rival schools. So the story is that we all killed each other in a fit of peppy pride. Or we were all trying to screw the same football dude. Or something. (I never was a cheerleader, so I’m not entirely sure how these situations work.)

So I’m dead from a knife to the neck (lots of gooey blood), K got run over (large tire track across perky uniform), and S took a bullet to the brainpan (squish!). We expect to be awarded a nice gift certificate or something for our pains and fake blood.

Happy Halloweenie!

In even more self-absorbed news, I got tagged by one of those blogosphere things, and must answer some questions, as follows:

1. Write more.
2. Read more.
3. Travel more.
4. Buy more Mary Janes.
5. Cut my damn hair off! (It’s getting ridiculously long.)

1. Ride a horse. (8 years of english riding lessons, thankyouverymuch)
2. Ride a motorcycle.
3. Knit, sew, and mosaic. (They don’t deserve separate line items b/c they are all in the “crafty” category.)
4. Poetry SLAM, baby.
5. Do the goth dance. (Catch the bat, love the bat, release the bat).

1. Vote Republican.
2. Wear Lee Press On Nails.
3. Listen to the White Stripes.
4. Talk smack about Angelina.
5. Buy a pet snake.

1. Tattoos.
2. Piercings.
3. Black eyeliner.
4. Motorcycle boots.
5. A really good laugh.

1. “Fuck!”
2. “Shut up?”
3. “Hey, Bruce.”
4. “LeeLoo, sing!”
5. “Dooooooooooooooon’t.”

1. Franka Potente.
2. Johnny Depp.
3. Charlize Theron.
4. Asia Argento.
5. Well, of course, Angelina.
6. This one dude who’s name I cannot remember, but I WILL. And when I do, I shall write it down, because I know the Internet is just DYING to know who it is.

-Lo, who thinks that every day should at least have some halloween potential, with the black eyeliner and stompy boots and whatnot.

Back to Insanity

Mood: Running on vapors
Drinking: The usual poison

Returning to the real world is proving to be more difficult than I thought. It’s my 2nd Monday back in the swing since returning from the lands across the sea, and I still feel fuzzy about the brainpan.

Can’t blame it on jet lag anymore. Not reliably, anyway. But I may be able to blame it on my weekend of geek theater ecstasy, since I saw both Neil Gaiman’s MirrorMask (gorgeous) and Joss Whedon’s Serenity (orgasmic). So I’m lost somewhere between the streets of flying fishes and River’s ballet of Reaver death. And if you understand none of that, I guess you’re not a true geek. Which is good or bad, depending on your point of view.

I think I need to see both movies a dozen or more times to thoroughly saturate myself in the otherworlds, but I do have a living to make and so here I am, deskbound, procrastinating by babbling incoherently. Fun!

About the Italian adventure…my real world friends should prepare themselves for an avalanche of photos, coming to inboxes soon via Ofoto. For the virtual world, though, I’ll condense it to a list of highlights, since I am as yet unable to post photos here. Consider yourselves starcrossed.

When In Rome…
– Be sure to eat not only pizza and pasta, but nectarines from fresh air fruitstands like the one on Via Imperiali. Juicy and delicious.
– Rent a scooter, if you dare. We did and I found myself alternating between laughing maniacally while speeding in between moving buses and swearing incoherently (ohfuckohfuckohfuck!) while trying to maneuver my way out of a traffic circle. It was great fun!
– Marvel at the Sistine Chapel. Not just the ceiling, either. God and Adam are just part of the crowd.
– Get a tattoo near Vatican City from a man named Massimo who speaks no English. When it’s finished, smile and tell him “Bellissimo!” He will laugh at you, but you won’t care at all.
– Touch the stones of the Colosseum and wonder who was touching these same stones on the other side of 2,000 years or so.
– Make friends with the stray cats, but don’t let them follow you home.
– Imagine the Roman men dressed in Centurion outfits. You won’t be disappointed.
– Instead of throwing coins in Trevi Fountain, throw yourself in. It’s more fun. (I should have taken my own advice on this one.)
– Eat all the pizza you can stomach.

The Five Wonders of the Cinque Terre
1. Steps. So many stone steps.
2. The water is bluer than the sky.
3. Follow every path you see because you never know what kind of wonders lie at the end of it. Or not. But either way, you’re walking off all that Roman pizza!
4. The cats know many secrets.
5. Don’t miss Vernazza — it’s the best of the five towns.

Venice Must Be Seen To Be Believed
* Streets of water are even more beautiful in person than in all the books you’ve ever read.
* St. Mark’s Square is better in the early morning hours, shrouded in mist and empty of people. The pigeons are always waiting, though.
* Rent an apartment between St. Mark’s and the Rialto bridge. Never leave it without applying red, red lipstick.
* When taking a gondola ride, be sure to do so at dusk. None of your photos will turn out, but some pictures are better in your head, anyway.
* Mask shopping is a must. You should go into every shop you see, find a favorite, and visit it three days in a row. Then when you make a purchase, be sure to buy at least four.
* Internet cafes are magical.
* Don’t be fooled by the creme-stuffed canolis and their sultry red cherries. Try the apple-filled ones instead.
* Avoid the Rialto bridge at noon unless you want to be caught in a sweaty tourist sandwich.
* Get lost. Over and over and over.
* Ride the public boat for at least an hour, just to see what you can see.
* The mosquitos in the shower are actually tiny vampires. You won’t feel them bite, but they will leave a mark that lasts for a week or more.
* Leave your windows open at night so you can hear the drunk gondoliers singing Italian opera as they float down the canal outside your apartment. (The mosquitoes are already inside, anyway.)
* Gwen Stefani looks better on Italian MTV.
* Ricky Martin is SO gay. You know this without a doubt after seeing his new music video five times in a row sometime in the middle of the night.
* Decide that watching old Italian men arguing is your new favorite hobby.
* You don’t have to go to Murano to buy pockets full of glass.
* It’s ok to dream of Venice, as long as your heart is still in San Francisco.

Five Things You Should Do In London When You Only Have 25 Hours
1. Sleep.
2. Walk to Buckingham Palace.
3. “Look kids! Big Ben. Parliament.”
4. Ride the London Eye, but try to get in a pod with the German tourists. The Americans are too annoying.
5. Eat pub food. Not just fish and chips, either. Try the bangers and mash.

– Lo, who’s already planning her next overseas adventure. How about a hike to Count Dracula’s Castle, eh?

The Numbers It Takes to Get Through a Day

Mood: Jaded
Drinking: Caffeine with flattened fizz

Number of diet cokes consumed before noon: 2. Number consumed after noon: 3. Number of times the alarm clock goes off before I actually get out of bed: 2. Number of times throughout the day I wish I was back in bed: 73. Number of times per year I call in sick because I want to stay in bed: 1. Number of jobs held since age 15: 28. Number of jobs held since age 15 that involved the handling of fast food: 2. Number of jobs that required the handling of horses: 1.

Number of jobs fired from: 0. Number of jobs quit with no notice: 2. Number of jobs laid off from during dot com bust: 4. Number of friends made on the job that are still a part of my life: 7. Number of jobs held that required selling of soul: 2. Number of jobs that paid less than $5 per hour: 3. Number of jobs that required uniform: 2. Number of promotions received: 3. Number of degrees received: 2.

Number of professors whose asses were kissed (figuratively) along the way: 6. Number of professors whose asses were kissed in a more literal way: 0. Number of professors whose asses I thought about kissing, but didn’t: 1. Number of mortarboards worn: 2. Number of framed degrees hanging on walls of office: 0. Number of pictures of Angelina Jolie hanging on walls of office: 5.

Number of offices inhabited that actually had doors: 3. Number of cubicles inhabited: 9. Number of cubicles and/or offices decorated within an inch of life: 8. Number of times co-workers have felt the need to comment on decorated cubicles and/or offices: 5,348. Number of times I have been asked to decorate some one else’s cube: 43. Number of times complied with request: 0.

Number of co-workers snogged: 3. Number of times alcohol was involved: 1. Number of times co-worker snogging was good idea: 1. Number of times amount of hair on co-worker’s chest rendered me speechless: 1. Number of ice-cream cones sold while on the job: 973. Number of cones sold that were cherry-dipped: 38. Number of cherry-dipped cones consumed by self while on the job: 23.

Number of pounds gained from consumption of ice-cream while on the job: 7. Number of pounds gained from consumption of french fries while on the job: 11. Number of times wished for trust fund so work would no longer be necessary: 15,356. Number of children babysat: 3. Number of bosses’ children that have run unchecked through the office: 8. Number of children I have thought about tripping as they run unchecked through the office: 8. Number of children actually tripped: 0.

Number of co-workers who have fainted while on the job: 1. Number of co-workers who have engaged in long-winded discussions of the previous night’s Buffy episodes: 6. Number of co-workers who have sent me photos of themselves with Buffy star: 1. Number of hours per day actually spent working, on average: 5. Number of hours billed per day: 8.

Number of sour candies consumed throughout workday, on average: 58. Number of times I bring my lunch to work each week: 0. Number of salads eaten for lunch per week: 3. Number of burritos: 1. Number of cigarettes smoked on the job: 39. Number of times cigarette smoke was actually inhaled: 1. Number of movies seen during lunch hours: 13. Number of times caught: 0. Number of times boss went along for the movie: 1.

Number of weekdays motorcycle is ridden to work instead of car: 4. Number of times forced to work on PC instead of Mac: 2. Number of times bitched about it: 42. Number of times PC replaced with Mac: 1. Number of ugly dolls hanging out on desk: 1. Number of night shifts worked: 120. Number of boys flirted with on night shifts: 1. Number of dates resulting from said flirting: 1.

Number of Halloween costumes worn to work: 3. Number of prizes won for wearing costume: 1. Number of times dog went to work dressed up for Halloween: 2. Number of jobs embarrassed to tell friends about: 3. Number of dirty phone calls received from strangers while at work: 2. Number of boobs seen on the job: 3 sets.

Number of jobs worked for a drunk: 1. Number of bosses who slept with co-workers: 2. Number of co-workers who knew about affair: 193. Number of resumes distributed: 2,333. Number of jobs gotten through 5. Number of jobs with “writer” in the title: 12.

Number of music videos shot for job: 1. Number of “rock stars” met while on video shoot: 4. Number of times required to apply makeup for rock star b/c makeup artist was missing: 1. Number of states worked in: 5. Number of pairs of shoes purchased on payday: 37. Number of paydays: 425. Number of times I left before quitting time: 339. Number of times I felt bad about it: 302.

Number of paperclips stolen from work: 887. Number of post-it notepads: 21. Number of pens: 355. Number of hours spent bitching to coworkers: 96. Number of meetings attended: 2,498. Number of useful meetings attended: 201. Number of co-worker birthday cake “surprise” parties during the lunch hour: 32. Number of times participated in singing of “happy birthday” song to coworker: 0. Number of times I just stopped by for cake: 29.

Number of newsrooms worked in: 4. Number of stories written on deadline: 79. Number of times stories appeared on front page, above the fold: 18. Number of times my photo appeared on the front page, above the fold: 1. Numbers of fan letters received: 83. Numbers of fan letters that were actually hate mail: 12.

Number of times boss was a woman: 7. Number of times boss was a man: 21. Number of unused business cards thrown out: 4,232. Number of bathroom stalls I’ve cried in while at work: 6. Number of times anybody at work knew I was crying: 0. Number of horrible Christmas parties attended: 4. Number of fun Christmas parties: 2.

Number of sexual harassment charges reported to HR: 1. Number of suits purchased for interviews: 2. Number of interview suits still in my closet: 0. Number of times career has changed: 2. Number of years left before retirement: 33. Number of people at current job who know about this web site: 1.

-Lo, getting back to work now.

Five Fine Chicks

Mood: Can I go home yet?
Drinking: Wishing

Time’s up.

I’ve got my five (see the preview post if you’re all, “huh?”). Here goes, in order of arrival:


Bit of random:
I wanna take you shopping for some really tall, really tight, really scandalous platform boots.
When I listen to AC/DC singin’ Highway to Hell, I think of you.
Definitely chicken dumpling. I would totally wrestle with you amid hunks of soggy dumpling dough.
You should change your name to “Inara Serra”.
You said, “fucked-up view of God” in your very first email to me. You had me at hello.
You remind me of a raven.
Did you ever want to punch Laura Ingalls Wilder’s lights out?


Bit of random:
You have all the range of the color yellow, from the soft buttery end of the spectrum to the blinding orangeish end.
Aretha Franklin: Natural Woman. Yup.
No question — carrot soup. No peas. No potatoes. Just carrots.
Well, you’re kind of a pro at the name-changing thing, so I’m a bit out of my depth here, but I’m thinking something along the lines of “Imogen”. Has a nice ring to it.
I was nervous when I met you, not so much because of you but because of the other people I was meeting at the same time. I remember your hair was long and your smile was huge and your hug was warm and then I wasn’t so nervous anymore.
A mother hen. The fluffy brown kind with a brood of yellow peeps hiding beneath her wings. And she looks all kind, but she will totally peck out your frickin’ eyes if you mess with her chicklings.
If your life was exactly the same, but you didn’t have kids, what would you do with your days?


Bit of random:
In your last life, you were totally punk rock.
Beastie Boys: She’s Crafty
Chicken Noodle. With the little round noodles, not the long floppy ones.
Tabitha. Like that one MTV veejay back in the day, the redhead who you just did NOT want to fuck with.
Smokin’ and making fun of certain skeevy coworker toenails. Oh, and for some reason, whenever I think about meeting you, the word “BEDAZZLE” is all blinking in capital letters and covered in rhinestones.
You are totally a bright orange tabby cat. And you know it. Rawr.
When your dog sweater business is highly successful and you’re featured in Real Simple and stuff, can LeeLoo still be your model and spokesdog?


Bit of random:
Short. Blonde. Flatironed. It was hott! (with 2 t’s)
SneakerPimps: M’aidez
Red Pepper Bisque. But only if you make it. Because, yum!
Hmmmm. Kathleen. But you would go by “Kat”.
Summer. Michigan. That one restaurant? You and I were the only girls. And I thought, “If she doesn’t like me, I’m screwed, ‘cuz she’s got all those boys on her side!”
Because you’re probably expecting a cat, I think an Afghan Hound. Long, golden and silky. And not doggish in the least. (They always seem to be such sophisticated hounds.)
If you knew then what you know now, would you still have married young? (This not being a question about the spouse but about the age.)

#5. JO

Bit of random:
Beanhead Picklewart
The Innocence Mission: Bright as yellow
Cream of Cauliflower. ‘Cuz it’s tasty and there’s plenty of big chunks of stuff that we could throw at each other.
Clementine. Or Jacinda. I cannot make up my mind.
My first memory of you is playing drums on your tiny round tummy. It made a nice bongo sound.You didn’t have much hair. And also, there is the famous quote: “When I’m 13 I’m gonna run away from home. Then you’ll be sorry!”
You are a lynx. Sleek. Gorgeous. But not quite tame. (And definitely not a panther.)
Would you have been a cheerleader at Sterling Public High School?

Lo, still thinking of answers. This thing was harder than it looked!

First Five Friends

Mood: Business-like
Drinking: Morning Caffeine

I tend to be a klepto, so it’s no surprise that I’ve stolen this little post right off Daphne Gottlieb’s livejournal. Modified slightly to avoid charges of plagiarism, of course. Do you think I learned nothing in college?

So here’s the deal. The first five people to reply will get seven (hopefully) witty answers from me. Obviously, this only works really well if I actually know who you are. So if you’re pretty sure that I don’t know who you are, you’re probably right…give me a hand with some incriminating details and a link to your blog/site/dirty pictures/whatever.

And don’t be all, “Your blog is weird and doesn’t have the normal comment section so how the hell am i supposed to respond to you?” Yeah. I did that on purpose. All you gotta do to respond is click on that link in the nav up there that says “Says You” and you’re golden. Okay? Ready? Go!

Here’s what you’ll get:
1. Reply with your name and I’ll respond with a random statement about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song and/or movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a flavor of soup in which I’d like to wrestle with you.
4. I’ll tell you what you should legally change your name to.
5. I’ll tell you either my first or my favorite memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.

Your turn. I’ll be here. Waitin’.

-Lo, whose sister is making her dinner tonight. You should be so lucky.


Mood: Guilty
Drinking: Snapple

As promised, I’ve searched the clouds for silver lining and have come up with a list of things that make me happy. Things that make me swoon. Things that make me get out of bed in the morning. Things that make it all suck a little bit less.

The Other List:

* Let’s start with peanut butter
* Neighborhoodies
* Non-cheesy mosaics, especially those involving broken mirrors
* Jon Stewart
* Espadrilles
* Striped knee-highs
* Sour candy
* Buffy DVDs
* The Tyler girls
* Paper toilet seat covers
* Citi billboards
* Showtime, with special nod to Dead Like Me
* TiVo!
* Boxers (the dog version, not the hamfisted sport)
* Strawberries
* Silver glitter on eyelids
* “Raccoon eyes” done right (hello, Shirley!)
* Pale girls with long black hair
* The new Garbage CD, Bleed Like Me (in headphones now)
* The impending new NIN
* Bar Sinister in Hollywood
* the DIY category on ebay
* iPods
* Changing your haircolor, just because you can
* New lipstick
* Drop earrings
* Digital cameras
* Stained glass windows
* Making your own South Park character
* Short little dresses from Lip Service
* Sunglasses with attitude
* Solitude
* A plane ticket home
* Franka Potente
* Bettie Page air fresheners
* Voodoo dolls
* New Tim Burton movies starring Johnny Depp
* Friends in bands
* Cinepoetry
* A really good thesaurus
* The annual Bay to Breakers festivities
* Golden Gate Park
* Buffalo Exchange
* The Serious store on Melrose
* Beach bonfires
* Saying “fuck”. Sometimes it just feels so right.
* A reserved parking space (but only when it’s reserved for me)
* Used book stores
* Neil Gaiman
* Narnia
* My Betty Blue
* Trips to Italy
* Weird buttons
* Violets
* When she says “my darkling bunny”
* Unexpected flowers
* Brand new poems
* Boy
* Sistervoice
* The sight of the Pacific
* Morrissey
* Cheeseburgers & fries eaten in the car at the height of a road trip
* Quitting time

-Lo, who could, once again, go on and on. But the balance has been sufficiently restored and so, the end.

The Jumping of the Shark

Mood: adamant
Drinking: one guess

Heads up to all the things on the following list: I am over you. Even if I was never into you in the first place, I am SO OVER you now.

You make me want to harm small children. You make me want to stick my head in a bucket of dirty mop water. You make me want to run through Mikasa with a brick bat. You make me want to rip the heads off small teddy bears and set them afire.

You have so jumped the shark! Consider this your final warning. The door is to your left.

The List
* Reality television and it so-called stars
* Starbucks
* Ashton Kutcher
* Gap commercials
* “Creative” ringtones
* Hate blogs
* Fat guys in hawaiian shirts
* Loud talkers
* Close talkers
* Jesus fish
* Bright yellow H2s
* Any color H2, actually
* Pit bull prejudice
* Muni riders who sit on my front step and wait for the train
* Litterbugs
* Public Nosepickers
* Nosehair
* Visible thongs
* Butt ruffles
* Paris Hilton
* People who ridicule war protesters
* Mudslides
* Hair extensions
* Manic Panic (it doesn’t last long enough!)
* That Sugar Ray buffoon
* Changing the name of your company (hello, ofoto!)
* Newsboy caps
* Hilary Duff
* Fellow fliers who ask what you’re reading when you obviously have zero interest in conversation
* Poetry slam voice
* Platform flip-flops
* French manicures
* The Bush administration
* The Da Vinci Code
* Sarah Jessica Parker
* Horrible hip hop lyrics
* Lindsay Lohan’s boobs
* Lindsay Lohan
* Blogs with consistently horrible spelling. (I’m not an grammar autocrat. Occasional spelling errors happen to everyone. But when you can’t spell anything right, ever, maybe you should just stop. Or consult a dictionary. Please!)
* Jewel’s “poetry”
* Writing f**k. Just spell it out. FUCK! What’s the difference?
* Brad and Angelina rumors
* And while I’m at it, Jennifer Aniston
* Burberry anything
* Tazmanian devil tattoos
* Gas prices
* Red State/Blue State
* Arnold’s delusions of future White House glory
* Body builders (speaking of Arnold)
* P.M. Bay Bridge traffic
* The cat vs. dog argument
* Ashley Simpson’s acid reflux
* Playboy playmates
* People who sing along at concerts so loudly that you can’t hear the people you actually paid to see sing
* In the same vein, people who make noise in movie theaters
* People who think Marilyn Monroe was fat
* Pamela Anderson’s hair
* Women who think Mick Jagger is still hot
* Michael Jackson.
* Court TV
* Anything approved by Oprah
* Hurricanes
* “Stale incense, old sweat and lies, lies, lies!”
* Frat boys in goth clubs. This. Is. Not. Your. Scene!
* Frat boys, anywhere
* Personalized license plates that state the model of your car. Original.
* Saying something is the new something (“pink is the new black”, etc.)
* Prince Charles and Camilla
* Britney and Kevin
* Cheetos
* Mosquitoes
* “Hella”
* Ugg boots
* Earthquakes
* Beauty pageants for little girls
* Beauty pageants for anybody
* People who ask if your tattoo/piercing/scarification hurt
* Christian “rock”
* Take-your-kid-to-work-and-let-them-run-the-halls-screaming Day
* Ludakris
* The Rivers women and their plastic surgeries
* Paparazzi
* Celebrity baby/breakup/wedding rumors
* Acceptable anorexia (speaking of celebrities)
* Everybody Loves Raymond (except me)
* Chick fiction with shoes on the cover
* Homophobia
* Faded hair color
* Irrational fanaticism disguised as “patriotism”
* Tsunamis
* Stale pretzels at the movie theater
* Wadrobe malfunctions
* American fucking Idol!
* Lists that go on for way too long

-Lo, who could go on and on but has to start thinking of a list of things that don’t annoy now, just to balance out the universe.