The Numbers It Takes to Get Through a Day

Mood: Jaded
Drinking: Caffeine with flattened fizz

Number of diet cokes consumed before noon: 2. Number consumed after noon: 3. Number of times the alarm clock goes off before I actually get out of bed: 2. Number of times throughout the day I wish I was back in bed: 73. Number of times per year I call in sick because I want to stay in bed: 1. Number of jobs held since age 15: 28. Number of jobs held since age 15 that involved the handling of fast food: 2. Number of jobs that required the handling of horses: 1.

Number of jobs fired from: 0. Number of jobs quit with no notice: 2. Number of jobs laid off from during dot com bust: 4. Number of friends made on the job that are still a part of my life: 7. Number of jobs held that required selling of soul: 2. Number of jobs that paid less than $5 per hour: 3. Number of jobs that required uniform: 2. Number of promotions received: 3. Number of degrees received: 2.

Number of professors whose asses were kissed (figuratively) along the way: 6. Number of professors whose asses were kissed in a more literal way: 0. Number of professors whose asses I thought about kissing, but didn’t: 1. Number of mortarboards worn: 2. Number of framed degrees hanging on walls of office: 0. Number of pictures of Angelina Jolie hanging on walls of office: 5.

Number of offices inhabited that actually had doors: 3. Number of cubicles inhabited: 9. Number of cubicles and/or offices decorated within an inch of life: 8. Number of times co-workers have felt the need to comment on decorated cubicles and/or offices: 5,348. Number of times I have been asked to decorate some one else’s cube: 43. Number of times complied with request: 0.

Number of co-workers snogged: 3. Number of times alcohol was involved: 1. Number of times co-worker snogging was good idea: 1. Number of times amount of hair on co-worker’s chest rendered me speechless: 1. Number of ice-cream cones sold while on the job: 973. Number of cones sold that were cherry-dipped: 38. Number of cherry-dipped cones consumed by self while on the job: 23.

Number of pounds gained from consumption of ice-cream while on the job: 7. Number of pounds gained from consumption of french fries while on the job: 11. Number of times wished for trust fund so work would no longer be necessary: 15,356. Number of children babysat: 3. Number of bosses’ children that have run unchecked through the office: 8. Number of children I have thought about tripping as they run unchecked through the office: 8. Number of children actually tripped: 0.

Number of co-workers who have fainted while on the job: 1. Number of co-workers who have engaged in long-winded discussions of the previous night’s Buffy episodes: 6. Number of co-workers who have sent me photos of themselves with Buffy star: 1. Number of hours per day actually spent working, on average: 5. Number of hours billed per day: 8.

Number of sour candies consumed throughout workday, on average: 58. Number of times I bring my lunch to work each week: 0. Number of salads eaten for lunch per week: 3. Number of burritos: 1. Number of cigarettes smoked on the job: 39. Number of times cigarette smoke was actually inhaled: 1. Number of movies seen during lunch hours: 13. Number of times caught: 0. Number of times boss went along for the movie: 1.

Number of weekdays motorcycle is ridden to work instead of car: 4. Number of times forced to work on PC instead of Mac: 2. Number of times bitched about it: 42. Number of times PC replaced with Mac: 1. Number of ugly dolls hanging out on desk: 1. Number of night shifts worked: 120. Number of boys flirted with on night shifts: 1. Number of dates resulting from said flirting: 1.

Number of Halloween costumes worn to work: 3. Number of prizes won for wearing costume: 1. Number of times dog went to work dressed up for Halloween: 2. Number of jobs embarrassed to tell friends about: 3. Number of dirty phone calls received from strangers while at work: 2. Number of boobs seen on the job: 3 sets.

Number of jobs worked for a drunk: 1. Number of bosses who slept with co-workers: 2. Number of co-workers who knew about affair: 193. Number of resumes distributed: 2,333. Number of jobs gotten through craigslist.org: 5. Number of jobs with “writer” in the title: 12.

Number of music videos shot for job: 1. Number of “rock stars” met while on video shoot: 4. Number of times required to apply makeup for rock star b/c makeup artist was missing: 1. Number of states worked in: 5. Number of pairs of shoes purchased on payday: 37. Number of paydays: 425. Number of times I left before quitting time: 339. Number of times I felt bad about it: 302.

Number of paperclips stolen from work: 887. Number of post-it notepads: 21. Number of pens: 355. Number of hours spent bitching to coworkers: 96. Number of meetings attended: 2,498. Number of useful meetings attended: 201. Number of co-worker birthday cake “surprise” parties during the lunch hour: 32. Number of times participated in singing of “happy birthday” song to coworker: 0. Number of times I just stopped by for cake: 29.

Number of newsrooms worked in: 4. Number of stories written on deadline: 79. Number of times stories appeared on front page, above the fold: 18. Number of times my photo appeared on the front page, above the fold: 1. Numbers of fan letters received: 83. Numbers of fan letters that were actually hate mail: 12.

Number of times boss was a woman: 7. Number of times boss was a man: 21. Number of unused business cards thrown out: 4,232. Number of bathroom stalls I’ve cried in while at work: 6. Number of times anybody at work knew I was crying: 0. Number of horrible Christmas parties attended: 4. Number of fun Christmas parties: 2.

Number of sexual harassment charges reported to HR: 1. Number of suits purchased for interviews: 2. Number of interview suits still in my closet: 0. Number of times career has changed: 2. Number of years left before retirement: 33. Number of people at current job who know about this web site: 1.

-Lo, getting back to work now.

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